Some of you may have noticed the new hand lotion in the restrooms. Unbeknownst to the janitorial staff, this particular lotion was not approved for general crew use yet, as it was still in the experimental phase. For those that have used the lotion more than three times in a 48 hour period may have noticed, the lotion has the unfortunate side effect of transforming fingers into soft and subtle lactating appendages, not unlike those of a dairy bovine. Reports of such teats appearing elsewhere the lotion was applied, have also been reported. If you have sampled the lotion, please report to the sick bay at your earliest convenience.
I would like to point out the janitorial staff is not to blame on this manner as one of the scientists accidentally left her tub of experimental lotion next to one of the cleaning closets. It was an honest mistake, although in the future, please clearly mark all experimental substances as such.
The good news is that the ship’s dairy supply has been restocked to full capacity so the cook has thrown together all sorts of creamy delights for this evening’s meal.
Also, May the fourth be with you.
That is all.
- Captain Tortuga