Radio Isopod

Did you know the site’s search term analyzer is fed directly through my neural network for processing? It’s true. You know what I’ve discovered? You people are strange. Therefore, I feel that it is my responsibility to set the record straight on a few items I’ve seen fly past recently.

“Bile color”
So, you want to know my bile color, or the ship’s bile color, or the bile color of giant sapient squids? I’m here to tell you, no. You, in fact, don’t want to know. Trust me. Future you will thank me. You’ll see.

“Looks like a worm”
Like my parental assembly unit used to say, “If it looks like a worm, smells like a worm, tastes like a worm, and the genetic makeup inspection matches with a worm to 99.99987% accuracy, it is a worm.”

“E-coli telepathy”
Wait… what? How did you find out about that? Damn our scientists and their Facebook posts. Now I’m going to have to run the intertubes hazardous information scrubbing routine. [INTERNET NEUTRALIZATION-REDACTION PROCEDURE IN 3... 2...]

“Worm looks like snake”
What’s with all the worms? You know, they have medication for that. I hear rubbing your posterior across the carpet helps.

However, I assure you we don’t have any of those here. Wait… there was more than one of you searching for that? Hmmm… You know, on second thought we might have information on something like that around here. [SEARCHING]
Right.
I hate to disappoint you. You look like a nice bunch and all, but I believe what you are looking for is neither a worm nor a snake.
It’s a land lamprey. Also, you’re going to die.
I’m sorry it had to be me to break the news to you, but if you have seen a land lamprey (which I can only assume given you were searching the intertubes for such a thing) it has already worked its way into your spinal column, sipping on your delicious spinal fluid, on its way up to feasting on your brain. At least that’s what these notes say.
Good luck with that.

“Secret goverment note”
You know, it’s probably best if you just gave that to me. [TAKES NOTE] You didn’t read it, did you? No? Good. [SHREDS NOTE]
May I ask how you got that secret note from the Gover-ment? The Govers aren’t the type to leave those things laying around. Govers are usually really good at keeping track of stuff like that. You know what else the Govers are good at? Killing you in your sleep. And burning llama fetuses. But mostly the killing part. I probably shouldn’t have told you that.
You know… never mind. Forget I mentioned it.
Really.
I said, FORGET.

“Are you my mummy?“
No. I don’t think… Babbu? Is that you? My long lost darling! You have come home at last! Oh, happy day! You have no idea how worried I’ve… what’s that? You’re not Babbu? Are you suuure? Oh…
Well then, no, I am most definitely not your mummy.

Anyway, I hope that has cleared a few things up.
Good day.
- π

Dear All,

I realize there is a trend revitalizing the popularity of the quaint little stringed instrument known as the ukulele. Indeed, I have been known to enjoy the dulcet tones produced by the uke from time to time. I also realize that a ship would not be a proper ship without at least one such instrument in residence. It’s traditional. I get that. In addition, I understand that the Isopod has not escaped the recent craze.

However, I do not feel that is appropriate that every single member of this crew (including the robots and all experiments with two hands and opposable thumbs) have picked up such an instrument for their very own. Had I known that I would not have been able to get a good night’s rest as a result of a few hundred ukulele’s being indiscriminately struck and accosted, I would have instituted a quota long ago. Alas, hindsight being what it is, and the inability of the crew to actually play a ukulele with any iota of talent or melody at any time of the day or night, I am now forced to enact a ban on all uke shaped devices. This ban is active immediately and until such time which I can listen to ukulele music again without punching someone in the face.

If you are in possession of a ukulele, please bring it down to incinerator 12 for mandatory emergency neutralization, ASAP.

Thank you, and good day.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

To: ALL

Some of you may have noticed the disconcerting hue that the ship seems to have acquired this morning. If not, you’re probably blessed with color blindness or unconsciousness. Congratulations. For the rest of us that are forced to endure the eye stabbing fresh bile color of the ship, my condolences.

I’m afraid the rumors you have heard are true; the ship has indeed contracted some sort of alien metal milady as a result of Dr. Kornblat’s latest interstellar experiments. I’m also afraid the other rumor you have heard is true as well; prolonged exposure to this particular shade of green may cause seizures and/or death. It’s recommended that you find some form of eye protection while the scientists work on treating the ship. Unfortunately, Dr. Kornblat didn’t survive the initial infection, so it may be some time until we are able to sort out the problem. Therefore, walking around with one’s eyes closed probably won’t be the best long term solution.

The good news is that it’s Saint Patrick’s day and the current decor seems somewhat fitting. So there is that.

UPDATE: If for some reason you get the urge to lick any of the ship’s infected green metal, I would caution against such actions. Apparently contact with human saliva causes an interesting (and completely illogical) chemical reaction, resulting in the human saliva owner to merge into the ship’s hull. The resulting mess is, well, undesirable.

Sincerely,
- Captain Torguga

Dear Radio Isopod Readers,

I come to you today with a note from the S.S. Isopod’s personal friend, Gamera, about the recent tragedy in Japan. Indeed, all our hearts go out to the Japanese in this time of need. Without further ado, I present Gamera.