Apparently Pi didn’t read rule number Φ of Mad Mumphry’s Guide to Undersea Exploration, 3rd Edition, “Never knock on a mysterious orb.” Oh well. I wonder if it’s friendly?

To: All

From: Captain Tortuga

Re: Irradiated Meat

It has come to my attention that some of you have been purposefully creating radioactive meat. From what my sources tell me, the government of Germany has been compensating hunters for radioactive boar meat due to an upsurge of the creatures due to left over Chernobyl radiation. Now, while I can applaud the efforts of tapping such a bountiful source of revenue for the S.S. Isopod labs, recent events have brought unwanted attention to our little operation. Namely, some individuals have decided to maximize profits under the assumption that more radioactive meat is better. While this might be a clever notion, using radioactive african elephant and radioactive blue whale meat as a substitution for boar has, as one of more sound logic would deduce, raised some red flags within the German goverment’s radioactive boar meat lost income compensation department. Needless to say, if there’s anything that a secret lab does not enjoy, it’s the attention of the German government.

Unfortunately, this means that we can no longer participate in this particular program. I will be posting a list of those individuals that had ruined the fun for everyone. I, for one, am looking forward to the revenge tacticts that will be devised in the next few days.

Sincerely,

Captain Tortuga

To:

From: Captain Tortuga

Re: Samples

Anyone who went to the bioengineering seminar this weekend and picked up some of the free samples from the various vendor booths might want to take note that we have heard reports that some of said samples have unpredictable and unexpected reactions when exposed to sea water. For those that don’t want to take the risk of their free samples being exposed, I suggest taking advantage of one of the many incinerator receptacles scattered throughout the ship. Also note, I do not want to see anyone tossing their samples into the moon pool “…just to see what would happen. FOR SCIENCE!” Any individuals doing so will be subjected to experimental disciplinary measures.

For those of you that received a sample of deinonychus embryos from the Dinosaur of the Month Club, I would like to remind you that these embryos are for display only. They are not designed for human consumption nor for reactivation of gestation. Need I remind you about the incidents with the liopleurodon eggs sent out back in April? Sure, they were cute when they were little, but no one was very pleased when a dozen of them escaped into open water and used the ship’s propellers as chew toys. Plus, the liopleurodon stew that the cook made from the leftovers was just horrid.

On a slightly related note, the cook wanted me to inform everyone that there will be samples of various new recipes for the crew to try out. Please vote on your favorite. Also, anyone having a known allergy to actiniaria may want to avoid this month’s new recipe samples.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

From: Captain Tortuga

Re: Safety Tips

To whomever took specimens D32A-5 through D33B-1 without filling out the proper “Preserved Failed Experimental Specimen Vial Checkout Form” please return them ASAP. Dr. Kippers has discovered that prolonged exposure to some of these specimens may cause irreversible death and possible flesh wounds such as limb implosion.

A reminder, Cuddles the squid cannot process chocolate. In any form. This includes chocolate covered sardines, chocolate chip crab cakes, and nori fudge. Please do not feed any form of chocolate to Cuddles. On a slightly related note, the moon pool is temporarily closed for cleaning.

Anyone who is thinking about ordering a Isopod Labs Neat-o-bot will need to attend the “How to Prevent Accidental Death and Dismemberment by Robot: Our Helpful Friends” safety seminar this Wednesday evening. More information has been posted on the ship’s bulletin boards.

Also, for those that may be unaware, many of the scientists are currently working on a military grade tactile defensive wallpaper project. So, if you happen to come across any scraps of paper laying around, it would be wise to direct the nearest cleaning bot for its immediate disposal into one of the many handy incinerator receptacles. Additionally, it’s probably wise to avoid touching any papered surface for the duration of the project.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

From: Captain Tortuga

Re: Thar be cupcakes!

To whomever parked the minisub in the moon-pool last, please try again. The entry hatch needs to be pointed up. In the air. Not, I repeat, NOT submerged. You have until lunchtime to remedy the situation, otherwise I will be forced to implement some experimental disciplinary measures.

On a lighter note, the cook has informed me that he is making his special subharmonic cupcakes for dessert tonight. They’re sure to disappear quickly, so show up early to dinner. Mmmm… cupcakes. I can almost taste their delicious sugary resonant vibratory goodness.

Doc Gestalt would like to thank all folks who attended her ultra super extra fun time tea party last week. She wanted to let all those who participated know that the splicing wounds should heal up within the week with minimal scarring and side effects. She also wanted to extend a special thanks to those who donated misc. mammalian parts to the party. She said it was a huge success. The next ultra super extra fun time tea party is tentatively scheduled the third Saturday of next month.

Also, a small reminder. Please, do NOT feed the sea gnomes. I know they’re cute with those big eyes and pointy hats and the way they click their claws is adorable. They are still parasitic vermin with epic breeding capabilities and should not be encouraged. Our fumigation bots are already working at full capacity. Need I remind you what happens when levels aboard this ship overflow with sea gnomes? Hmm? Surely, you all remember. Level 5 will never smell quite right again. So, please, put your food and experiment scraps in the proper trash or recycling receptacle. Also, any crew members caught keeping sea gnomes as pets will be subjected to experimental disciplinary measures.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

From: Captain Tortuga

Re: This Week’s Events and Announcements

First off, I would like to congratulate everyone in their fine performance during last week’s unspeakable-horror-is-attacking-the-ship drill. Everyone responded to the drill in record time. Bravo! If that had been a real unspeakable horror, I am proud to say most of us would have survived.

As all of you may have heard, this week is the Most Notable Scientists of the 20th Century Burlesque Show. I hear there’s going to be an Albert Einstein hootchy kootchy dance that you will not want to miss. There’s also something special planned for Marie Curie fans. Remember, it’s this Friday night in docking bay 2. Also, we are still a bit short on volunteers, so if you don’t have any experiments to run or research that needs to be done and would like to participate, please contact Dr. Nubbins as soon as possible.

This Wednesday is movie night in the mess hall. Pi was the randomly selected to choose this week’s movie. Pi has informed me that it has chosen Diode Transistor: Robot Detective and the Case of the Missing Amperage. So, get ready for some classic robo-noir. Also, I’ve been told there will be cookies.

Doc Gestalt is looking for some willing individuals and/or extra mammalian parts for her ultra super extra fun time tea party. Details to be revealed at the party. Also, there will be cookies.

Finally, this year’s Junior Mad Science Camp is fast approaching. Activity plans and counselor applications need to be submitted no later than the last full moon of the month.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

Hmm… I wonder if this means a water filled adventure is in store for Pi? Robots are so handy to have around sometimes.

Those must be some pretty interesting calculations.

Indeed, I am completely aware of our unplanned extended study of the Chukchi Sea and the Aurora Borealis due to the S.S. Isopod freezing to the ice sheet for the last two months. You will be pleased to know that we have found the problem and managed to free the ship. Therefore, you can now stop  grumbling about the cold and the excessively fish themed menu.

However, I would like to point out if wasn’t for certain scientists’ blatant disregard of ship protocol by rerouting the hull’s defrost power relays to turn lab 42 into their personal sauna and tanning salon, we would not be in this position.

Also, those that are responsible for placing the animatronic Coelodonta antiquitatis skull in the mess hall freezer, you may be pleased to hear that the medic has successfully patched up the cook after he was gored by the contraption. However, the cook would like to offer his compliments on the fine practical joke. He especially enjoyed the googly eyes mounted in the eye sockets, but would like to request something less pointy next time the urge to engage in merry mischief strikes.

In other news, I would like to announce that Dr. Kippers was the winner of the impromptu ice sculpture contest outside the ship last night. I would like to congratulate him on his expert use of quantum variations to create an ice megaladon that existed in no less then seven dimensions simultaneously.

Second place went to Dr. Savant for her fully articulated and energetic singing ice monkeys. Their rendition of “Danny Boy” was truly moving.

Lastly, honorable mention goes to intern #36 for his ice Tesla coil.

Good job everyone!

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

Music: “Halloween” by The Coffinshakers (courtesy of the Music Alley)

Pi is excited.

Pi’s choice in costume upsets the Captain.

The Captain hints that Pi’s construction is somehow related to Pi’s costume.

Temporal Receiver:  Darkness by Lord Byron read by Chris Miller

The ship has some octo-lanterns for the holiday.

Lab Report: Dr. Gestalt takes the mini-sub out for a joy ride search for alien life. Written and performed by Rachel Ross.

Voice Mail: Lord Vandermore would like to contract out a moon water project to the S.S. Isopod laboratory. Written and performed by David Moore.

Pi thinks that it’s had dysentery.

Pi senses a disturbance in the force.

Lab Report: Dr. Chancerous is experimenting with ways to acquire large quantities of candy. Written and performed by John Cmar. Sound effects provided by the Free Sound Project.

Pi is upset about its mergoats.

Captain Tortuga feels it is necessary to check up on the ship.

Music: “Zombies on my Lawn” by The Volume Brothers (courtesy of the Music Alley)

Credits

Promos: The Secret Lair, Tales of the Children/Stories of Wolfram Hart

——

This episode was written and performed by Natalie Metzger and Andy Steigleder. The theme music is Science Nature 23 by Podcast Troubadour.