Chickens! Don’t look at me like that. You knew it was inevitable that eventually there would be a chicken. There’s some rule about that, I think.

Truth be told, I’m not very good at consoling any entity. Unless there happens to be an entity that prefers the sort of awkward clueless consoling that I seem to excel at. I could, hypothetically, console that entity quite well. The rest of you, well, I’m afraid you might have a more fulfilling experience from a stuffed bear than from me. I’m telling you this to save both of us the embarrassment of inadequate consoling. Actually, I keep a spare stuffed bear on hand just in case of such emergency. Well, bionic stuffed bear. I assure you it’s mostly harmless and has been programmed with over five thousand forms of comforting.

You know what’s also bad? The appalling lack of content lately. We are sorry about that.  We have just ordered a new set of seaminions to remedy the situation. These ones have been guaranteed not to spontaneously combust (unlike the last set). Thanks and please standby for hopefully less ridiculously late content.

P.S. You also also know what’s bad? Mint tacos with mustard. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

“Bile color”
So, you want to know my bile color, or the ship’s bile color, or the bile color of giant sapient squids? I’m here to tell you, no. You, in fact, don’t want to know. Trust me. Future you will thank me. You’ll see.

“Looks like a worm”
Like my parental assembly unit used to say, “If it looks like a worm, smells like a worm, tastes like a worm, and the genetic makeup inspection matches with a worm to 99.99987% accuracy, it is a worm.”

“E-coli telepathy”
Wait… what? How did you find out about that? Damn our scientists and their Facebook posts. Now I’m going to have to run the intertubes hazardous information scrubbing routine. [INTERNET NEUTRALIZATION-REDACTION PROCEDURE IN 3... 2...]

“Worm looks like snake”
What’s with all the worms? You know, they have medication for that. I hear rubbing your posterior across the carpet helps.

However, I assure you we don’t have any of those here. Wait… there was more than one of you searching for that? Hmmm… You know, on second thought we might have information on something like that around here. [SEARCHING]
Right.
I hate to disappoint you. You look like a nice bunch and all, but I believe what you are looking for is neither a worm nor a snake.
It’s a land lamprey. Also, you’re going to die.
I’m sorry it had to be me to break the news to you, but if you have seen a land lamprey (which I can only assume given you were searching the intertubes for such a thing) it has already worked its way into your spinal column, sipping on your delicious spinal fluid, on its way up to feasting on your brain. At least that’s what these notes say.
Good luck with that.

“Secret goverment note”
You know, it’s probably best if you just gave that to me. [TAKES NOTE] You didn’t read it, did you? No? Good. [SHREDS NOTE]
May I ask how you got that secret note from the Gover-ment? The Govers aren’t the type to leave those things laying around. Govers are usually really good at keeping track of stuff like that. You know what else the Govers are good at? Killing you in your sleep. And burning llama fetuses. But mostly the killing part. I probably shouldn’t have told you that.
You know… never mind. Forget I mentioned it.
Really.
I said, FORGET.

“Are you my mummy?“
No. I don’t think… Babbu? Is that you? My long lost darling! You have come home at last! Oh, happy day! You have no idea how worried I’ve… what’s that? You’re not Babbu? Are you suuure? Oh…
Well then, no, I am most definitely not your mummy.

Anyway, I hope that has cleared a few things up.
Good day.
- π

So, I went to the Stumptown Comics Festival in Portland, Oregon today. I have to say, there was an astonishing lack of mustaches. Get with the program, Portland. For shame. On the other hand there was an overabundance of pirates and the Mayor was dressed as the superhero SAMDROID, so I suppose I can overlook the mustache issue this time.

I’m not going to even get into the physics of having a nice cup of tea underwater. It would just blow your mind. And a blown mind is just not a good thing. Very messy. Really, I’m doing you a service, I am. You should thank me. I just saved you from a major head injury.

Please note that the cyber-dolphins, despite what they may psychically tell you, are not friendly and benign. They are, in fact, evil calculating creatures of ill will bent upon enslaving the human race and using us for their nefarious tasks.

You may think that they are cute.

You may think that they only came to bake us cookies and other delectable pastries.

You may think they are made of cuddles and fluffy rainbows.

You would be wrong.

So very very wrong.

These are false thoughts placed directly into your mind by their subconscious thought imprinters.

DO NOT TRUST THE CYBER-DOLPHINS.

If you happen to encounter a cyber-dolphin around the ship, please report its whereabouts immediately to ship security. Do not give in to the warm loving thoughts that you will be lovingly embraced with. Do not  fall for their soft watery sad looking eyes full of kindness and longing for human companionship.

We are working as fast as possible to return the cyber-dolphins to their own time line.

In the meantime, tinfoil headgear is now a mandatory requirement for all personnel.

Thank you for your cooperation.

- Captain Torguga

P.S. DO NOT TRUST THE CYBER-DOLPHINS.

Cucumber sandwiches? At this depth? That can’t taste good.

Indeed. That IS just not right.

Image by Rachel Ross

I mean, Dr. Gestalt, if you are going to go to all the trouble of making cat snakes, at least use the good parts of each creature. In my opinion, something with a cat head and a snake body would have been much more useful.

Of course, no one ever bothers to ask me for my opinion on these matters.

None the less, thank you very much for the wonderful image. I will always cherish it as a reminder of why I don’t particularly like to visit Dr. Gestalt’s laboratory.

Sincerely sincere,

-π

Apparently Pi didn’t read rule number Φ of Mad Mumphry’s Guide to Undersea Exploration, 3rd Edition, “Never knock on a mysterious orb.” Oh well. I wonder if it’s friendly?