Chickens! Don’t look at me like that. You knew it was inevitable that eventually there would be a chicken. There’s some rule about that, I think.

Truth be told, I’m not very good at consoling any entity. Unless there happens to be an entity that prefers the sort of awkward clueless consoling that I seem to excel at. I could, hypothetically, console that entity quite well. The rest of you, well, I’m afraid you might have a more fulfilling experience from a stuffed bear than from me. I’m telling you this to save both of us the embarrassment of inadequate consoling. Actually, I keep a spare stuffed bear on hand just in case of such emergency. Well, bionic stuffed bear. I assure you it’s mostly harmless and has been programmed with over five thousand forms of comforting.

I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that the underwater “UFO” is neither unidentified nor flying although it is an object. So those of you worried about an intergalactic incident being started because some drunken extraterristial took Uncle Blipblop’s sports spaceship out for a joy ride and carelessly crashed it into our ocean, can rest easy. The bad news is that it’s actually the giant anti-grav turbo super fun-time trampoline that we had ordered (as a surprise, I might add) from the Underground Questionable Science Emporium. From what I hear, apparently even they get boarded sometimes (something about the Swedish coast guard and tactile pickled herrings), and they were forced to eject their entire shipment.

Sorry.

In other news, there will be extra cake for dessert tonight. So, there is that.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

You know what’s also bad? The appalling lack of content lately. We are sorry about that.  We have just ordered a new set of seaminions to remedy the situation. These ones have been guaranteed not to spontaneously combust (unlike the last set). Thanks and please standby for hopefully less ridiculously late content.

P.S. You also also know what’s bad? Mint tacos with mustard. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

I realize there is a trend revitalizing the popularity of the quaint little stringed instrument known as the ukulele. Indeed, I have been known to enjoy the dulcet tones produced by the uke from time to time. I also realize that a ship would not be a proper ship without at least one such instrument in residence. It’s traditional. I get that. In addition, I understand that the Isopod has not escaped the recent craze.

However, I do not feel that is appropriate that every single member of this crew (including the robots and all experiments with two hands and opposable thumbs) have picked up such an instrument for their very own. Had I known that I would not have been able to get a good night’s rest as a result of a few hundred ukulele’s being indiscriminately struck and accosted, I would have instituted a quota long ago. Alas, hindsight being what it is, and the inability of the crew to actually play a ukulele with any iota of talent or melody at any time of the day or night, I am now forced to enact a ban on all uke shaped devices. This ban is active immediately and until such time which I can listen to ukulele music again without punching someone in the face.

If you are in possession of a ukulele, please bring it down to incinerator 12 for mandatory emergency neutralization, ASAP.

Thank you, and good day.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

So, I went to the Stumptown Comics Festival in Portland, Oregon today. I have to say, there was an astonishing lack of mustaches. Get with the program, Portland. For shame. On the other hand there was an overabundance of pirates and the Mayor was dressed as the superhero SAMDROID, so I suppose I can overlook the mustache issue this time.

I’m not going to even get into the physics of having a nice cup of tea underwater. It would just blow your mind. And a blown mind is just not a good thing. Very messy. Really, I’m doing you a service, I am. You should thank me. I just saved you from a major head injury.

If you have visited the site recently (instead of just viewing it though the newfangled RSS technologies) you may have noticed we have some new decorations. Not only do we finally have a new logo graphic, but we also have spruced up the place with some dashing wallpaper. Indeed, that is a beautiful artistic depiction of our very own Cuddles the giant squid, all stylistic for your viewing pleasure.

But wait! There’s more!

The hard working folks aboard the S.S. Isopod have converted said wallpaper, using the latest scientific advances, into a size appropriate for decorating your iPhone (or any mobile phone for that matter). They even created several brilliant colors for your choosing or mood.

To acquire such goodies, please make your way to our official Goodies page.

Thank you and good day,

- Captain Tortuga

Apparently Pi didn’t read rule number Φ of Mad Mumphry’s Guide to Undersea Exploration, 3rd Edition, “Never knock on a mysterious orb.” Oh well. I wonder if it’s friendly?

From: Captain Tortuga

Re: Thar be cupcakes!

To whomever parked the minisub in the moon-pool last, please try again. The entry hatch needs to be pointed up. In the air. Not, I repeat, NOT submerged. You have until lunchtime to remedy the situation, otherwise I will be forced to implement some experimental disciplinary measures.

On a lighter note, the cook has informed me that he is making his special subharmonic cupcakes for dessert tonight. They’re sure to disappear quickly, so show up early to dinner. Mmmm… cupcakes. I can almost taste their delicious sugary resonant vibratory goodness.

Doc Gestalt would like to thank all folks who attended her ultra super extra fun time tea party last week. She wanted to let all those who participated know that the splicing wounds should heal up within the week with minimal scarring and side effects. She also wanted to extend a special thanks to those who donated misc. mammalian parts to the party. She said it was a huge success. The next ultra super extra fun time tea party is tentatively scheduled the third Saturday of next month.

Also, a small reminder. Please, do NOT feed the sea gnomes. I know they’re cute with those big eyes and pointy hats and the way they click their claws is adorable. They are still parasitic vermin with epic breeding capabilities and should not be encouraged. Our fumigation bots are already working at full capacity. Need I remind you what happens when levels aboard this ship overflow with sea gnomes? Hmm? Surely, you all remember. Level 5 will never smell quite right again. So, please, put your food and experiment scraps in the proper trash or recycling receptacle. Also, any crew members caught keeping sea gnomes as pets will be subjected to experimental disciplinary measures.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga