Chickens! Don’t look at me like that. You knew it was inevitable that eventually there would be a chicken. There’s some rule about that, I think.

Truth be told, I’m not very good at consoling any entity. Unless there happens to be an entity that prefers the sort of awkward clueless consoling that I seem to excel at. I could, hypothetically, console that entity quite well. The rest of you, well, I’m afraid you might have a more fulfilling experience from a stuffed bear than from me. I’m telling you this to save both of us the embarrassment of inadequate consoling. Actually, I keep a spare stuffed bear on hand just in case of such emergency. Well, bionic stuffed bear. I assure you it’s mostly harmless and has been programmed with over five thousand forms of comforting.

You know what’s also bad? The appalling lack of content lately. We are sorry about that.  We have just ordered a new set of seaminions to remedy the situation. These ones have been guaranteed not to spontaneously combust (unlike the last set). Thanks and please standby for hopefully less ridiculously late content.

P.S. You also also know what’s bad? Mint tacos with mustard. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

I’m not going to even get into the physics of having a nice cup of tea underwater. It would just blow your mind. And a blown mind is just not a good thing. Very messy. Really, I’m doing you a service, I am. You should thank me. I just saved you from a major head injury.

Cucumber sandwiches? At this depth? That can’t taste good.

Apparently Pi didn’t read rule number Φ of Mad Mumphry’s Guide to Undersea Exploration, 3rd Edition, “Never knock on a mysterious orb.” Oh well. I wonder if it’s friendly?

To: All

From: Captain Tortuga

Re: Irradiated Meat

It has come to my attention that some of you have been purposefully creating radioactive meat. From what my sources tell me, the government of Germany has been compensating hunters for radioactive boar meat due to an upsurge of the creatures due to left over Chernobyl radiation. Now, while I can applaud the efforts of tapping such a bountiful source of revenue for the S.S. Isopod labs, recent events have brought unwanted attention to our little operation. Namely, some individuals have decided to maximize profits under the assumption that more radioactive meat is better. While this might be a clever notion, using radioactive african elephant and radioactive blue whale meat as a substitution for boar has, as one of more sound logic would deduce, raised some red flags within the German goverment’s radioactive boar meat lost income compensation department. Needless to say, if there’s anything that a secret lab does not enjoy, it’s the attention of the German government.

Unfortunately, this means that we can no longer participate in this particular program. I will be posting a list of those individuals that had ruined the fun for everyone. I, for one, am looking forward to the revenge tacticts that will be devised in the next few days.

Sincerely,

Captain Tortuga

From: Captain Tortuga

Re: Safety Tips

To whomever took specimens D32A-5 through D33B-1 without filling out the proper “Preserved Failed Experimental Specimen Vial Checkout Form” please return them ASAP. Dr. Kippers has discovered that prolonged exposure to some of these specimens may cause irreversible death and possible flesh wounds such as limb implosion.

A reminder, Cuddles the squid cannot process chocolate. In any form. This includes chocolate covered sardines, chocolate chip crab cakes, and nori fudge. Please do not feed any form of chocolate to Cuddles. On a slightly related note, the moon pool is temporarily closed for cleaning.

Anyone who is thinking about ordering a Isopod Labs Neat-o-bot will need to attend the “How to Prevent Accidental Death and Dismemberment by Robot: Our Helpful Friends” safety seminar this Wednesday evening. More information has been posted on the ship’s bulletin boards.

Also, for those that may be unaware, many of the scientists are currently working on a military grade tactile defensive wallpaper project. So, if you happen to come across any scraps of paper laying around, it would be wise to direct the nearest cleaning bot for its immediate disposal into one of the many handy incinerator receptacles. Additionally, it’s probably wise to avoid touching any papered surface for the duration of the project.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

From: Captain Tortuga

Re: Thar be cupcakes!

To whomever parked the minisub in the moon-pool last, please try again. The entry hatch needs to be pointed up. In the air. Not, I repeat, NOT submerged. You have until lunchtime to remedy the situation, otherwise I will be forced to implement some experimental disciplinary measures.

On a lighter note, the cook has informed me that he is making his special subharmonic cupcakes for dessert tonight. They’re sure to disappear quickly, so show up early to dinner. Mmmm… cupcakes. I can almost taste their delicious sugary resonant vibratory goodness.

Doc Gestalt would like to thank all folks who attended her ultra super extra fun time tea party last week. She wanted to let all those who participated know that the splicing wounds should heal up within the week with minimal scarring and side effects. She also wanted to extend a special thanks to those who donated misc. mammalian parts to the party. She said it was a huge success. The next ultra super extra fun time tea party is tentatively scheduled the third Saturday of next month.

Also, a small reminder. Please, do NOT feed the sea gnomes. I know they’re cute with those big eyes and pointy hats and the way they click their claws is adorable. They are still parasitic vermin with epic breeding capabilities and should not be encouraged. Our fumigation bots are already working at full capacity. Need I remind you what happens when levels aboard this ship overflow with sea gnomes? Hmm? Surely, you all remember. Level 5 will never smell quite right again. So, please, put your food and experiment scraps in the proper trash or recycling receptacle. Also, any crew members caught keeping sea gnomes as pets will be subjected to experimental disciplinary measures.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

From: Captain Tortuga

Re: This Week’s Events and Announcements

First off, I would like to congratulate everyone in their fine performance during last week’s unspeakable-horror-is-attacking-the-ship drill. Everyone responded to the drill in record time. Bravo! If that had been a real unspeakable horror, I am proud to say most of us would have survived.

As all of you may have heard, this week is the Most Notable Scientists of the 20th Century Burlesque Show. I hear there’s going to be an Albert Einstein hootchy kootchy dance that you will not want to miss. There’s also something special planned for Marie Curie fans. Remember, it’s this Friday night in docking bay 2. Also, we are still a bit short on volunteers, so if you don’t have any experiments to run or research that needs to be done and would like to participate, please contact Dr. Nubbins as soon as possible.

This Wednesday is movie night in the mess hall. Pi was the randomly selected to choose this week’s movie. Pi has informed me that it has chosen Diode Transistor: Robot Detective and the Case of the Missing Amperage. So, get ready for some classic robo-noir. Also, I’ve been told there will be cookies.

Doc Gestalt is looking for some willing individuals and/or extra mammalian parts for her ultra super extra fun time tea party. Details to be revealed at the party. Also, there will be cookies.

Finally, this year’s Junior Mad Science Camp is fast approaching. Activity plans and counselor applications need to be submitted no later than the last full moon of the month.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga